i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
