i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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