1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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