im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
They took my balls.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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