my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
