It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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