My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize