I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
