girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
