Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
