Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
