Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
