I need to stop coming to work sober
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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