I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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