mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
