The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
