Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
