Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
