He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
