Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
