just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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