At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
