you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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