this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
