I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
