Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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