I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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