your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize