Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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