you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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