Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
