i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
operation have a gay friend backfired
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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