I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
