CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
