My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
