Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
