i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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