end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
my mouth tastes like poor choices
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
