he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
