What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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