"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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