He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Blood and glitter go together right?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize