I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
