God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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