Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
