i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
