I met the friendliest cop last night
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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