Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
