I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
