just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
