He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
