i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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