I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
