Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
