Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
