so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
