My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I think pants incapable of making pants work
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
