chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
